How To Watch Tonight’s Republican Debate

Coverage of the debate will begin at 8:30 ET, after what will seem like an eternity of semi-informed panel filler from retired political operatives and journalists bad at their job. There are several ways you can watch this depraved beatdown of democracy, as the debate will air on CNN and stream on as well as across mobile platforms. The debate, which you will be unable to withstand for its entire running time without enough drugs to kill two of you, will be moderated by a pile of ballast in a suit called Wolf Blitzer. The debate will take place at the University of Houston mere months before a new gun law will allow pretty much anyone to bring a 9mm into the registrar’s office and will feature remaining candidates Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, Ben Carson, John Kasich, and Marco Rubio in a fact-free scream orgy. This infuriating flag-draped waste of everyone’s time is the last before Super Tuesday, when we’ll get a much better sense of all the damage we did to ourselves.