A Guide To Ted Cruz’s New York

Ahead of the crucial April 19 primary, presidential candidate Ted Cruz is campaigning in the Big Apple, which he has criticized for its decadent “New York values.” And touring the city, it’s actually not hard to see why.

Statue of Liberty

Iconic statue at New York Harbor that welcomed sodomites who came to America in search of a new home for their unholy sexual practices. Many of these deviants arrived with nothing except ragged muscle tees and whatever vibrating butt plugs they could carry.

Central Park

Large park in upper-middle Manhattan that since 1857 has been reserved for open-air late-term abortions and simulated drownings of the Constitution in the 20-acre lake.

Empire State Building

Once the tallest building in the world, this 1,454-foot structure is primarily used to warehouse taxpayer money that minorities skim off illegally acquired disability checks.

Katz’s Deli

The towering pastrami sandwiches at this famous New York delicatessen have almost been entirely replaced by towering pastrami sandwiches that illegally immigrated from Mexico.


Brooklyn Bridge

One of the oldest suspension bridges in America, the Brooklyn Bridge is the also the very first to be made entirely from crucifixes that are crushed and remolded into bricks.

Coney Island

Perhaps the most famous amusement park in the U.S., Coney Island was built specifically to gather large numbers of children in one place in order to more effectively distribute free birth control.